In this season of life, birthdays were a symbol of the passage of time, something that gave my young heart just a little bit of hope. They were a reminder that with enough time I might break out and go my own way, free to hope and live and dream, a time when I could ditch the mask and could be free to be me. I never thought life would be easy, especially not without the support of those who are supposed to love you most and be there for you in life, but I wanted a life that was mine, a life where I would be free to fall but also to rise and fly.
Now I'm not saying that there weren't some bright spots in my childhood and teen years, but they were few and far between, and easily forgotten amidst the swirling storms. In my adult life I struggle to remember those good times however, as my mind has very strongly blocked out much of the pain of the past, including any little happiness that may have arisen therein.
With enough birthdays and enough struggle, I did finally make it out on my own. I still have many attached strings and ties that I fight to sever and threaten to dampen my sense of self and my ability to fly, but I have come far. I have graduated from college with a degree I chose, met a wonderful person to spend my life with, made a few very good friends, and am working in a field about which I'm very passionate; I am truly making my own path.
It definitely hasn't been easy, in fact it's often been downright dreadful, but I've learned much and grown immensely, and most significantly I'm figuring out who I am for me: a dreamer and a warrior, passionate about learning and seeking to make a positive difference in the world around them.
Recently I've started feeling again like I'm just trying to get through time until I can really live. This startled me and I'm now digging into why these feelings have arisen. I don't know yet what changes will come, but I do know that some will, because I refuse to be tied down any longer to a life I don't want.
It's time to fly free!