Truly Listen

I've noticed over time that around "special days", like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, more acquaintances and family members than usual seem to come out of the woodwork to express well wishes and try to connect. In the past few years this has even come to include my immediate, biological family, as though having a day outside of their normal routine suddenly prompts them to remember my existence and want to touch base. The challenging part for me is that though they may seem to want to connect with me, there almost always seems to be a clear lack of intent to truly listen to what I may have to say. 

Truly listening can be hard work. It requires the listener to stop and actually engage with what the speaker is putting forth, not immediately thinking of how they might respond or react to what is being said, or trying to turn the conversation back towards their personal interests and pursuits. Truly listening is also about not only engaging with the information, but also connecting with the speaker on a deeper, sometimes even emotional level. 

Let me give you an example from my life this past week. A couple of days ago my mother called me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving, and for once actually seemed halfway interested in how I was doing and what I was up to, instead of simply going on and on about her life and work as she usually does, often interrupting and putting me down when I try to contribute to the conversation. I took the opportunity to share with her some serious concerns I've been having with my work, where an organization that has very little investment into the outcome of my work and the well-being of those I work with has almost universal control over our funding and workflow. I was pleasantly surprised that she actually seemed to be hearing me for once, but then taken aback when she butted in, mid-sentence with "Well that just seems like any government organization." Her comment reminded me to not get my hopes up too high when dealing with my biological family, but it was also more than that. That over-generalization was, to me, a wake up call as well. Instead of perhaps acknowledging that she didn't understand the situation or that she simply wasn't interested, my mother chose a comment that completely invalidated my feelings and concerns about what I was experiencing by choosing to dismiss them as just "the cost of doing business". 

The more I experience these situations in my life, the more it's impressed on me the great importance of truly listening and how much engaging in such a practice can impact others for good. For this reason, I choose to be an active and true listener and seek to inspire the same in others, that we may engage each other in significant ways, creating true connections, and building each other up.