Truly Listen

I've noticed over time that around "special days", like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, more acquaintances and family members than usual seem to come out of the woodwork to express well wishes and try to connect. In the past few years this has even come to include my immediate, biological family, as though having a day outside of their normal routine suddenly prompts them to remember my existence and want to touch base. The challenging part for me is that though they may seem to want to connect with me, there almost always seems to be a clear lack of intent to truly listen to what I may have to say. 

Truly listening can be hard work. It requires the listener to stop and actually engage with what the speaker is putting forth, not immediately thinking of how they might respond or react to what is being said, or trying to turn the conversation back towards their personal interests and pursuits. Truly listening is also about not only engaging with the information, but also connecting with the speaker on a deeper, sometimes even emotional level. 

Let me give you an example from my life this past week. A couple of days ago my mother called me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving, and for once actually seemed halfway interested in how I was doing and what I was up to, instead of simply going on and on about her life and work as she usually does, often interrupting and putting me down when I try to contribute to the conversation. I took the opportunity to share with her some serious concerns I've been having with my work, where an organization that has very little investment into the outcome of my work and the well-being of those I work with has almost universal control over our funding and workflow. I was pleasantly surprised that she actually seemed to be hearing me for once, but then taken aback when she butted in, mid-sentence with "Well that just seems like any government organization." Her comment reminded me to not get my hopes up too high when dealing with my biological family, but it was also more than that. That over-generalization was, to me, a wake up call as well. Instead of perhaps acknowledging that she didn't understand the situation or that she simply wasn't interested, my mother chose a comment that completely invalidated my feelings and concerns about what I was experiencing by choosing to dismiss them as just "the cost of doing business". 

The more I experience these situations in my life, the more it's impressed on me the great importance of truly listening and how much engaging in such a practice can impact others for good. For this reason, I choose to be an active and true listener and seek to inspire the same in others, that we may engage each other in significant ways, creating true connections, and building each other up. 

Words of Power

Whenever I write, I tend to read my finished product at least a couple times to make sure I have the wording and presentation of thoughts and ideas just like I want it. When I write something important, I will often also seek out a person I trust to review it for me and make suggestions on ways I can change or improve the piece and/or assure me that everything looks ok and is good to go. This isn't always possible, as my schedule frequently demands that I submit work and other documents without being able to take the extra time to share with another person and wait to get their feedback before moving forward, but I've found that when I am able to, I tend to learn things along the way.

One of my favorite people to share my writing with is my life partner. Besides the fact that she understands and can often encourage me through my insecurities and tendency to overthink things, she has a way with words and is a great writer in her own right. One thing she started teaching me early on was to use strong words in my writing. Strong words can leave little doubt about the ideas being expressed and help to clearly convey a writer's passion about their subject. Strong words frequently elicit strong emotions from the reader, drawing in and engaging the listener.

This weekend I have some prep work to do on an educational program I plan to implement in my workplace - a wonderful little library in the middle of a big correctional facility, and as I pulled out my thesaurus and gathered my papers, I found myself musing about strong words and especially the power of words in our lives. The old adage, "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," couldn't have been more wrong. Our words have the power to build someone up, but also the power to severely hurt and tear another down. Working where I do, in the position I hold, gives me a unique opportunity to use my words to not only hold others accountable for behavioral change as they work toward eventual re-integration into society, but also to build up, encourage, and validate hard work, effort, and personal growth in a way that many I work with have never experienced.

As I reflect on my personal life, I unfortunately see so many instances where those who should have been my biggest supporters chose to use their words to tear me down instead, but thankfully there are also moments where I see how dear ones, like my life partner and best friend, have used their words to build me up and help me grow. I am forever grateful to those who have invested in me with their actions and words, and look forward to what a new year of strong words may bring.

Happy New Year!